Healthy Cucumber Cooler Cocktail

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 Mmmmm… healthy alcohol.

As the name suggests, this is a healthy cucumber cooler cocktail.

The only calories in this drink come from the liquor and it also doesn’t taste like shit!

A lot of times, when I desperately google “healthiest cocktail” after too many glasses of wine and horrible food decisions I am met with the horrendous “vodka tonic with a twist of lime” which just tastes like sour, watered down vodka.

This cocktail, my friends, has the same amount of calories as a vodka tonic, except it’s more nutritious and has more flavor and also gets you fucked up!


*said in a high pitch voice at the end, or if you’re like me, cracking deep voice and then uncontrollable coughing*

Anyway, about this cocktail.

I used Cachaça which is a Brazilian rum of sorts.

cucumber cooler cocktail 7 I used it because it was already in the freezer.

And also it has a natural sweetness that is appreciated when making a healthy cocktail.

Use white rum if you can’t find cachaça, or your favorite clear liquor. Whatever.

First step is to get your cucumber slices.

I cut the cucumber in half lengthwise and then used a mandoline to make slices that were not paper thin, but just a little bit thicker than that. Basically you want it thin enough to stick to the sides of the glass. If they don’t stick, they are probably too thick.

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You can cut the slices by hand if you don’t have this contraption but don’t tell me about it. It makes me nervous and I don’t want you to blame me for cutting yourself.

You need 3 slices. Two for garnishing the glass, and one for flavoring the drink.

You can gnaw on the rest of the cucumber while imagining yourself in a bikini.

Line a tall clear glass with two of the slices thusly:

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Look how pretty it is!

I love the tips of the cucumber, it looks way better so don’t trim off the tops of the cuke before you start slicing.

I then put the glass in the fridge while I worked on the rest of the drink because this is a cucumber cooler after all.

Now, julienne the last slice of cucumber like this:

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Set aside.

Grab a cocktail shaker or a jar with a secure lid.

Add ice and the cachaça and a bunch of fresh mint leaves to the cocktail shaker.

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Then using a muddler, or if you wanna be ratchet like me, use the end of your bottle opener and muddle the shit out of it. Muddling basically means smashing.

cucumber cooler cocktail 20 cucumber cooler cocktail 23 Once you have sufficiently muddled, you kind of have a quick infusion of mint into the cachaça. 


Then add the juice of a juicy lime, (or 1/2 oz, or to taste) and that cucumber slice you chopped up.

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 Now move, move, shake, shake and DON’T drop it.

Don’t drop it, that’s alcohol and there are sober people in the world dying for a sip.

Have some respect.

Pour that shit into your fancy garnished glass. 

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 At this point it tastes like a concentrate of alcohol and herbaceous citrus.

It would actually make a nice shot on it’s own at this stage.

But I’m a sipper.

So, top it off with some La Croix.

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I used mango, but if you like another flavor, use that instead. I would recommend something naturally a little sweet to offset the concentrate.

La Croix is for people who used to drink canned Diet Coke (me) and now want to feel better than others by drinking canned La Croix (also, me).

Plus it’s a pretty can, that’s why I bought it the first time.

Can’t want for a glass bottled La Croix then I can carry it around at the discount outlet mall and feel above everyone else.


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